Committed to the Cause
by Bobbie23
Summary: Short reaction piece to the episode Wildlife.


**Author Note - just an idea that struck me. Please read and review.**

 **Disclaimer - I don't own _Law and Order: Special Victims Unit_ or any of the characters.**

Committed to the Cause

" _We promise according to our hopes and perform according to our fears._ _"_

 _François de la Rochefoucauld_

First it was the buzzer cutting through the silent apartment, now it's her footsteps as she paces in front of the door while she waits for her guest to tackle the flights of stairs to her floor. She wonders whether to open the door, wait in the door way rather than wait for the knock. But the knock comes quicker than she anticipated and is a loud and forceful quick succession of three rasps on the wooden door. She stops her pacing and does a half turn to face the closed door, staring at it dumbly for a few seconds, which feels like minutes, before her guest gets impatient and knocks again. It spurs her into action and her hand reaches for the lock, nudging it open and it clicks out of place and she pulls the door open to reveal a less haggard looking Kathy balancing Eli on one hip while holding his baby bag on the other. Olivia can still see the stress in her eyes and her heart drops, wondering if in the twenty four hours Elliot has been on leave everything has completely fallen apart and she's left him for good. She had to admit she hoped that the bullet wound Elliot sustained would garner Kathy's sympathy rather than her wrath.

After six hours of broken sleep spattered with rotating flashes of her skin pressed against Elliot's broad chest and then her hands pressed to that chest as his blood seeps through after he was shot has not prepared her for this unexpected visit. She always feels unnerved around the other woman, even more so this morning. It doesn't help that Kathy has bought the baby with her, the one that saved their marriage, the one she helped to deliver into the world, the one Elliot went home for.

The blonde stares back at her seemingly unbothered by Eli's hands grabbing at strands of her hair, her eyes blink in quick succession, like her knocks, and she refocuses on Olivia, her eyes taking in the pyjama bottoms and tank top then straight into Olivia's eyes. "I woke you," Kathy states unapologetically.

"I was just getting up," Olivia lies and blinks as she glances at the young child in her arms, still baffled by the unexpected visit. She may be less animated but Olivia can see the internal struggle and turmoil in her eyes. Eli begins to fuss at the stand still and Kathy hoists him higher on her hip in an attempt to calm him. It doesn't work and she looks grateful when Olivia opens the door wider and ushers them in. Kathy almost rushes through the door and Eli immediately quietens at the quick motion.

Kathy's surge forward comes to an abrupt halt when she reaches the edge of the living room. She's never been there before and looks at the tidy, under-used lounge. It's a stark contrast to her toy strewn living room. Olivia shuts the door behind her then follows and gestures for her to sit.

"Do you want a drink?" Olivia asks when the other woman perches on the edge of the arm chair and sits Eli in her lap.

"I'm fine," Kathy says tersely.

Olivia doesn't reply, doesn't really know what to say. She stills feels vulnerable in just her sleepwear and reaches for her discarded jumper that is lying over the back of the couch and slips it over her head as she sits in the corner closest to her partner's wife and child and crosses one leg over the other while Kathy runs a comforting hand over Eli's blonde locks. He's already calmed himself though, and is staring back at Olivia and she, not for the first time, notes that he has inherited nothing but his eyes from his father as he gives her the piercing stare that goes right through her. Slowly his mouth opens into a wide grin, showing her his few teeth and he giggles as though he's made a joke no one else can understand. She can't help but smile at the carefree sound. It doesn't go unnoticed by Kathy and she tightens her arm around her son, drawing him closer. She reaches into the baby bag she brought and gives him a stuffed elephant to play with to distract him. Olivia sits up straighter. Olivia never thought this would happen and there was a point when she wanted nothing more than to be friends with the woman who sits opposite her, she's been welcomed into her home on many occasions and for a while it seemed like that would happen. But ever since the first separation she's had trouble meeting the other woman's eye, especially after Kathy sought her out to get her to talk to Elliot about the divorce papers. She hopes Kathy isn't here to repeat that conversation.

"Is everything okay Kathy?"

Kathy seems surprised by the question even though ninety percent of their conversations have taken place over the phone.

"I don't know," Kathy admits her voice cracking and her eyes welling. Olivia isn't used to seeing this side of emotions from her and it's a shock. Her eyes slip over Olivia again doubtfully. "You were with him when he got shot, you knew where he was when you came to see me," she accuses lightly.

Olivia glances down at her lap exhales, trying to hide the flush she can feel spreading across her face as the errant memory of her skin against Elliot's flashes in her mind. "The people we were investigating took his phone. I was giving him mine so he could call you."

"He should've called me before he went undercover, not after," Kathy retaliates, her eyes lightning suddenly, her tears disappearing. She's oddly calm, resigned almost, and it makes Olivia more nervous than her off the cuff irate reaction the other night. "Why do you care what happens with me and Elliot? Why does _our_ marriage mean so much to you?"

"He's my friend," Olivia manages to croak out. It's the only reasonable answer she has. She's asked herself the same questions over and over again and there have been days when she's lost countless hours of sleep because of it and she hasn't been able to come up with any other answer. Well, not one she's comfortable admitting, not to herself, especially not to his wife, especially not in front of their youngest child. "He was devastated last time," Olivia adds.

"That's between him and me, not you," Kathy spits out with barely veiled spite, which Olivia is sure is only for Eli's benefit.

"I know that," Olivia attempts to placate her but she can see it's not working. In that second she hates Elliot and Kathy and their inability to sort this out and just be happy. She shouldn't get involved, she knows that, but there's a compulsion which she can't fight when it comes to uphold their marriage vows. She knows it emanates from a deep set sense of self preservation. "I didn't want to be a go between you; I wanted to help."

"You can't lecture me about leaving him when you've left him without a word too," Kathy reminds her. "That hurt him just as much."

"You were angry and I didn't want you to do something you'd regret when Elliot couldn't be there to do anything about it."

"I don't think he would have done anything about it," the blonde admits self-consciously. "I wouldn't have wanted him to."

Olivia often wonders what she would have done if Elliot had come looking for her while she was in Oregon. It felt like he'd given up when she made the move to computer crimes made no effort to try and convince her to return, then blamed her for Oregon and abandoning him. She knew how stubborn he could be and could empathise with Kathy's situation.

Olivia sees the doubt, understands it. "You would have."

She's speaking from experience, one they share. It binds them, commits them to one another unwittingly. The softly spoken yet confident assurance works and after a long moment Kathy bobs her head shakily and presses a quick kiss to the back of Eli's head to reassure herself rather than him. But then that's what she came to Olivia for, for someone to know what it's like to be where she is, to feel what she's feeling. She never thought she would be comforting Kathy.

"Why did you come here Kathy?" Olivia asks quietly, wondering if it would actually be better if it was said out loud. She had always admired Kathy's ability to be honest when it came to her feelings, being able to express them freely; it was something she always struggled with. She hoped her partner's wife was brave enough to voice it when no one else could.

Kathy clears her throat with a tiny cough. "I just needed to know what you wouldn't do for him?"

Olivia's mouth falls open to reply but the words don't form as she stares at Kathy blankly. There isn't anything. She doesn't have to voice it, Kathy already knows the answer.

"That's what I thought," Kathy states.

" _Falling in love was simple; one had only to yield. Digesting another person, however, and sustaining love, was bloody work, and not a soft job."_

 _Hanif Kureishi_ _,_ _Midnight All Day_


End file.
